The Dating Power Flip at Age 30


Talking to many women like her, it’s intriguing how many look back on past relationships where they let good men get away because they weren’t ready. American journalist Kate Bolick wrote recently in The Atlantic about breaking off her three-year relationship with a man she described as ”intelligent, good-looking, loyal and kind”. She acknowledged ”there was no good reason to end things”, yet, at the time, she was convinced something was missing in the relationship. That was 11 years ago. She’s is now 39 and facing grim choices.

SOURCE: Why Women Lose the Dating Game

I just saw the above article about how women are losing the dating game. It was long. Here’s what I got from it.

  1. Many attractive women in their 20s reject all but the most attractive and powerful men

  2. Many of those rejected men go on to become more attractive and powerful in their 30s and 40s

  3. When those women turn 30, they become less marketable and are surprised to learn that the top men don’t want them—because they’re now chasing the young women they used to be

I see a poetic yet depressing symmetry in this: the women who rejected the introverted, budding alpha in their 20s now seek them in their 30s—but can’t have them because they’re dating younger, more attractive versions of themselves.

Yuck. Courtship really is a harsh petri dish of evolutionary psychology.

The other point being made in the article is that many women who spend their 20’s becoming powerful and independent (education, salary, etc.) often end up unhappy in their 30s. This is because when they finally achieve independence and look for men who have done the same, the realize they’re not looking for powerful, independent women in their 30s; they’re looking for attractive women in their 20s that will make them feel powerful.

My observations

  1. In general, men pursue beauty while women pursue capability. And as such, women largely focus on how to appear attractive, while men largely focus on how to appear powerful. This makes it natural for there to be an inversion in marketability around age 30, since that’s generally when men becoming more capable (attractive), and women becoming less beautiful (attractive).

  2. Most powerful men don’t want a powerful woman; they want a feminine magnifier for themselves, i.e., someone who makes them feel successful, and loved, and respectable. To most men, this is best achieved through a young, attractive, and kind/positive woman who focuses on him—not on herself.

Feminists hate this. Roofers hate gravity.

My overall feeling is that—like cancer and liver failure—none of this is ok.

This entire wicked game of courtship and mating is a disease that comes with our mortal, animal nature. It’s some of the strongest evidence that we’re evolution’s sock puppets—with us being the sock and evolution being the hand. I look forward to a time when such games will no longer be necessary.

Unfortunately this requires some significant changes to humanity, namely:

  1. People not having the evolutionary drive to compete for reproduction opportunities.

  2. People not having vastly different capabilities.

  3. People not having vastly different beauty.

It’ll be a while.


  1. Jan 16, 2017 — I’ve received a lot of hits from threads around the internet that see this as some sort of celebration against women. Like, “Yay! Those women are getting what they deserve!”. Look closely and you’ll see that’s not what this post is about. It’s about evolution, how it affects culture, and how that can be quite interesting and cruel. I reserve the right to be both fascinated by evolutionary biology/psychology and a strong advocate of equality for the genders.

  2. If it helps you understand my position better, I’m a hard determinist who believes humans are sock puppets with evolution’s hand controlling the entire production. We are mindless gene propagators without true freedom, and survival and reproduction are the drives for everything we do. That most definitely including all this craziness around courtship and reproduction that was discussed above.

  3. The solution is to become post-gender, and then post-human. Like I said, it’ll be a while.

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