For years now I’ve become more and more bothered by the fact that I’ve heard hundreds or thousands of great jokes in my life, but when the time comes time to tell some I can usually only remember one or two that I’ve heard recently.

Well, the whole purpose of this site is archiving stuff I want to remember/share, so here’s my ever-growing list of favorite jokes.

Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin says to the second muffin, “Wow, it’s really hot in here.” The other muffin says,”Ahhhh! It’s a talking muffin!”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”, and the horse replies, “Because my alcoholism is destroying my family.”

How did the mansplainer get injured? They said he fell down a manhole, but it was a well, actually.

It’s hard to share puns with kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.

A little boy and a middle age man are walking through a dark, scary swamp. The little boy says to the man, “Gee, Mister, I’m really scared.”, and the old man replies, “You think you’re scared, I’ve got to walk out of here alone!”

Menstrual jokes are the lowest form of comedy. Period.

A baby seal walks into a club.

An SEO expert walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor…

What’s the difference between a plum? Is it faster to New York or by train? How many eskimos does a canoe?

My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms. My second wife died from a concussion. She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.

Knock knock. Who’s there? (long pause) Java.

Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

To get to the other side. (pause) Why did the tachyon particle cross the road?


  1. A number of these jokes are rather mean. I’m not a mean person, but given my woldview I simply believe that jokes that don’t harm people aren’t harmful, and that jokes that do harm people are harmful. So use that as context. In short, if you tell one of these jokes and hurt someone, you’re an asshole, and if you tell one of these jokes and make someone laugh, you’ve done what I’ve hoped for.

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