It feels so good, but I hate it.
I hate not being in control of how I feel. It’s not that I want to necessarily kill every single natural and potentially negative feeling in me (especially when some do feel good), it’s just that I want to dissect and identify anything that I allow myself to feel.
This feeling is suspect because I don’t quite understand it. It does have some positive characteristics, however, such as making me want to clean my house and organize everything. Spending time in a Whole Paycheck store also makes me want to cook at home, and go to the gym, and just to be healthy in general.
So those things make me want to embrace the goodness, but there’s something lurking underneath that is unsettling. Perhaps it’s hypocrisy. Perhaps it’s the fact that I don’t eat healthy, and I don’t cook my own food, and don’t regularly work out. Perhaps it just feels disingenuous to be there, as if I’m posing as some sort of health nut when I’m not.
Anyway, the place makes me want to improve my life–it’s that cool. But so do big-tittied blondes that I care nothing about. I’m just not sure that feeling is always positive. ::