For years now I’ve become more and more bothered by the fact that I’ve heard hundreds or thousands of great jokes in my life, but when the time comes time to tell some I can usually only remember one or two that I’ve heard recently.
Well, the whole purpose of this site is archiving stuff I want to remember/share, so here’s my ever-growing list of favorite jokes.
Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin says to the second muffin, “Wow, it’s really hot in here.” The other muffin says,”Ahhhh! It’s a talking muffin!”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”, and the horse replies, “Because my alcoholism is destroying my family.”
How did the mansplainer get injured? They said he fell down a manhole, but it was a well, actually.
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others’ copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says “the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
It’s hard to share puns with kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
A little boy and a middle age man are walking through a dark, scary swamp. The little boy says to the man, “Gee, Mister, I’m really scared.”, and the old man replies, “You think you’re scared, I’ve got to walk out of here alone!”
Menstrual jokes are the lowest form of comedy. Period.
Some people aren’t able to process humor because they take things too literally. But I have a friend who takes things too figuratively. Like the other day I told him that cats always land on their feet, and he says, “I don’t man—there are a lot of homeless cats out there.” ~ James Etchinson
A baby seal walks into a club.
A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: “Occupation?” The German replies: “No, just a holiday.”
An SEO expert walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor…
What’s the difference between a plum? Is it faster to New York or by train? How many eskimos does a canoe?
My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms. My second wife died from a concussion. She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.
I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Two cows are standing in a field and one cow says to the other: “What do you think about that mad cow disease?”, the other cow responds: “What do I care “I’m a helicopter!”
What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Knock knock. Who’s there? (long pause) Java.
Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.
There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”
Schrodinger and Ohm are pulled over on the freeway. The cop asks them if they know they have a cat in their trunk, and Schrodinger says, “We do now, asshole.” The cop tries to arrest them and Ohm resists.
To get to the other side. (pause) Why did the tachyon particle cross the road?
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A statistician is someone who tells you, when you’ve got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you’re—on average—very comfortable.
After sex, one behaviourist turned to another behaviourist and said, “That was great for you, but how was it for me?”
- A number of these jokes are rather mean. I’m not a mean person, but given my woldview I simply believe that jokes that don’t harm people aren’t harmful, and that jokes that do harm people are harmful. So use that as context. In short, if you tell one of these jokes and hurt someone, you’re an asshole, and if you tell one of these jokes and make someone laugh, you’ve done what I’ve hoped for.