I think the worst part of facing the unexpected death of a loved one is the silence of the dead person. When something as traumatic as death happens, a supernatural aura is placed on the event that magnifies the pain. The silence of the dead person–and perhaps the circumstances as well–combine to create a feeling of agony. It’s as if the person who died becomes a gaged, helpless victim–regardless of how it happened.

But I think there’s a solution. It’s not a solution to feeling pain when someone you love dies–that’s ridiculous. But it’s a way to remove the supernatural magnification of the pain.

Being There

Imagine two worlds–one in which (like our reality) death is absolute and final. Anyone who passes is barred from communicating with the world ever again. Think of a guy in this world dying in a car wreck on the way to visit his girl after picking up some takeout.

When the phone rings, and she’s told that he’s dead, there is much to cry about. There’s the fact that she’ll never eat with him again, or hold hands, or watch movies on the couch. And there’s the fact that they’ll never be married or have children.

But that’s not the worst of the pain. The worst is that he was there a minute ago, and now he’s gone; he’s silent. She doesn’t know what he was thinking when he died. Was he in pain? Did he think of her? This silence somehow thrusts doubt into a relationship that was previously so sure.

Now imagine another world where he could communicate from beyond–about how he died and about death itself. Imagine him saying, after she learned he was t-boned at an intersection by someone who ran a red light, “Well, I certainly didn’t see that coming.” Think of him saying, “Well, I wanted to live longer, but I was going to die anyway. Death is kind of like not being born yet; very uneventful.”

It’s not the humor. It’s removing the evil magic of death. The fear, the dread, the…negative connotations. It reduces death to “a most unfortunate matter of timing”, since it was going to happen anyway…just a bit later.

How to Benefit

So I propose post-death notes–perhaps customized to various terrible types of dying. Kidnap. Car crash. Plane crash. Etc. Talking about these things–or death in general might help, but that verbal conversation will seem very unreal (and hence not very helpful) when the person is gone. Hence the notes.

“Meh, lots of people get killed; it’s not really that bad. My only regret is not being able to be with you anymore. But don’t sweat it. Go to the bookstore and read a book for me.”

This will perhaps make the missing of the person more acute–since you’re experiencing them again–but it removes the mystical power of death. It changes death from evil and supernatural to mundane, natural, and sad.

I’ll work on the idea more, but I wanted to get it down in some form.

From ffffound, the image site of doom.

I lack the words, but I don’t need them.

I sometimes realize that I’m hesitant to talk about my love here, and tonight is one of those nights. It’s another night when I’m reminded that my love for her is all that matters to me. She is my meaning, and without her there is none.

And yet I hesitated to write this, as I always have. It’s a trite thing to declare ones love in such a public way, and I feel it impossible to do properly. But tonight, thankfully, I don’t care. I need a mountain to yell from, and this website is all I have for one.

Yesterday marked fifteen years that we’ve been together. That was when we agreed to see nobody else but each other, and this morning as she was pulling out to work in her rental car she’s never driven I came out in my pajamas in the freezing cold to pour warm water on her frozen windshield.

The smile she gave me, when she realized that she wouldn’t have to sit in the cold and wait for the ice to melt–that smile is the meaning in my life. A simple sweetness between two people who met so randomly and have been through so much. All that we have in this world are a series of these moments.

So I had to share. I have to tell the world. It sounds dumb, it looks stupid, and I don’t care. I give thanks for what I have, and I understand that time is uncertain.

The worst thing that can possibly happen to a person is to have his lover leave without knowing the depth of the feelings they had. And despite how silly it makes me look or feel, I shall leave no such doubt when I go.

Her name is Susan, and I love her more than anything. ::

Stop fighting you stupid fucks. You’re going to get us all killed before we reach our potential. You’re going to get us all killed before we can put this feeling of connectedness into the hearts of all people on earth.

Somebody show this video to Al Qaeda. Somebody show this video to Hezbollah. Somebody show this video to the KKK. Somebody show this video to Bush. Find someone in your life that hates, and make sure they see this video.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

For some reason this really affected me. I think it’s the idea of the more beautiful emotions (affection, love) overriding the baser ones (fear, aggression).

This lion was raised by humans and then released into the African wild. See how both the “parents” and the lion react when they see each other for the first time after being separated for an entire year…

If you read digg or reddit you’ve heard of XKCD. It’s that cool web-comic with a geek slant. Or, that’s what I thought it was. Turns out it’s much more.

Realizing that this sounds lame, I’m going to go ahead and say that this guy’s work is no less than genius. He writes web-comics that elicit an emotional response from me. That’s talent.

He actually comments a lot on love, religion, and other very serious topics. It’s incredible what he’s able to do with so little space and time.

Anyway, don’t just click the link and read a couple. That doesn’t work. When you have a moment, go to the archives and spend some time there. You’ll be amazed.

My fiancé just told me about a story she found on CNN about how male Gentoo penguins court their partners by bringing them the smoothest rocks they can find. Evidently the smooth ones are great for making nests with, and are sought after by the females.

The story caught her attention because she’s keenly aware of what distro I run. She then wanted to know when I would be bringing her some smooth pebbles. Geek humor. Geek affection. That’s why she’s my fiancé.