How much do I make? Sometimes, I simply can’t put a price on what I do.

Two years ago, I was kidnapped by monkeys, who appeared to be in a trance. They took me to the top of the Swayambhunath Buddhist complex, in Kathmandu. I was told that this was the Monkey Temple. As a monk translated the wishes of the holy monkeys, I discovered that I was required to rewrite the OS of their ancient computer, which had failed to reboot, back in 1839. Since then, they had searched the world for a programmer competent to handle the situation. They were about to give up, as they stumbled onto me, and realized that I was the reincarnation of ChiChu Gomptar, the lead programmer for the CS monkey gang, which had served their monkey king, the creator of this computer. I was flummoxed by its design, as it was made of smooth stones, uniform beads, colored sand, and wooden levers inlaid with gold. I told them that I couldn’t remember anything from my past life. They gave me something to smoke, saying that it would connect me, through the eternal ether, to my previous memories.

It did, and after 25 days of extreme programming, of which I recall no details, I had completed the monumental task. I stood up, and ceremoniously dropped the special IPL bead onto the machine, which then awoke from its 170-year slumber with a mighty roar. The holy monkeys were pleased. They handed over a small golden box, with mysterious carvings. It seemed empty, and I was told not to open it unless my circumstances had become truly dire. I thanked them, both for the box, and for the tremendous experience. Unfortunately, I was not able to sell them continued maintenance for their new OS, but that was mostly due to their language not having the word “maintenance”. Anyway, I have those memories, and this box to use when things go really bad, plus the always-present hope of future adventure.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swayambhunath http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Initial_Program_Load

Precisely.

Did you hear about the dog that can tell if you have cancer by sniffing your breath? It’s true. Apparently the dog can pick up a slight chemical signature for lung cancer.

This story made me sad because I spent years training my dog to detect bad breath by sniffing my ass. That stupid cancer dog makes my accomplishment seem less important. But detecting bad breath the way I trained Snickers to do it is a lot harder, so I still own that. And the good news is that according to Snickers, my breath is always minty fresh. Yours is okay too; that’s how good she is.

I also taught Snickers to detect the Elephant Man disease. The “all clear” signal involves humping the patient’s leg. Snickers checks out every visitor to the house. So far, knock on wood, everyone who has ever come to the house is clear. And that’s good on two levels, because I taught Snickers to attack if she detects the disease. I’m not being cruel; I just didn’t want Snickers’ signal to be something subtle that I might miss, and I hate barking.

If Snickers ever detects Elephant Man disease, it will be sad because there’s no cure. But if a patient decides to travel somewhere for plastic surgery, the least I can do is offer to help pack his trunk. Seriously, that’s literally the least I can do. Just above that is not being a douche bag, and I can’t always pull that off.

Meanwhile, my cat has trained me to detect obesity in cats. The signal is that my spine separates in four places when I try to lift her off the couch. If I lose sensation below the waist, I’ll know I have at least one spinal gap. I’m not entirely sure how I’ll know if I have the other three. I might have to rethink the whole system. But I refuse to sniff her ass. That’s just one of the reasons I could never be a veterinarian.

Scott’s timing with his writing and comedy is simply superior. Holy crap this is good.

I have a hypothesis that several million years ago just about anything could mate and have offspring with anything else. For example, the modern beaver is probably the offspring of an early human and a bear that was slow to snap out of hibernation. That’s just a guess. But the next time you see a beaver standing on his back legs eating a fish, try to imagine him as a buck-toothed tourist at a sushi place. It’s easier than it should be.

This guy is seriously making me laugh tonight.

I’d watch.

Excellent. :)

CHICAGO—A study of more than 1,200 subjects by the Consumer Research Institute at Loyola University has found that a significant majority of U.S. citizens want. “Regardless of their age, gender, class, education, or religion, Americans are remarkably alike in their capacity to want,” Dr. Stanley Murcheson told reporters Tuesday, noting that 33 percent of survey respondents indicated they not only want, but want really bad. “And among those who want, a growing number also demand, feel entitled to, and actually expect.” The study concluded that while more Americans than ever desperately need, fewer than 6 percent of them will ever get.