“You’re not ready to meet your future spouse until you’re ready to be single for the rest of your life.”

I concur, and also, I wish to be single.

Couldn’t agree more.

Pithy, but baseless. They used to toss this phrase around when I was in college and it is no more true now than it was then. You can be happy and healthy but still know that you want a partner and a family. The idea that you are not ready to have something until you can say you don’t want it sounds very zen, but it has no basis in reality (or psychology). There are many reasons a person may not want to be single forever that have nothing to do with not being comfortable in their own skin or being unhappy with who they are or whether or not they are independent. The key is to have a realistic understanding of what marriage will and will not bring to your life. If you’re insecure it won’t make you secure, if you’re unhappy it won’t make you happy, if you’re emotionally unhealthy or lack wholeness or a sense of your own identity, marriage will not solve any of these problems. But wanting to share your life with someone and actively pursuing that goal does not necessarily mean you are in some way unhealthy or incomplete as a person. It just means you want to share your life with someone. And in our narcissistic, fragmented society, perhaps the desire to truly share your life with another person, accepting the good and bad, the sacrifices and compromises, the tradeoffs and challenges, and everything else that goes with marriage, might be the surest sign of emotional health there is.

to Shannon :

I think he meant a person cannot have a healthy relationship until he/she solves all (or at least most of) his/her issues. It isn’t really about being or wanting to be single for the rest of your life but about being confortable enough with yourself so as not to look to confirmation in somebody’s else’s actions.

Having and wanting to have a relationship is very normal (surest sign of emotional health might be a little too forward) however if it comes only as a self-assurance that your are a worthy person and not as a need of intimacy and closeness it may not be the best of things.

Anyway, I think the author explains it very well and I tend to agree with Morris :)

Yes, I don’t think the comment actually means that you should actively WANT to stay single per sé.

Personally, I also think it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should have your ‘issues’ worked out. I think many of us won’t have done that until late in our lives, if at all.

To me the most important thing is that the wish for a partner doesn’t overshadow everything I do. First of all, in doing so I could waste a lot of opportunities and advantages that result from being single. And secondly, these elusive ‘potential partners’ can sense this desperation, and it turns them off.

I don’t know if there’s a difference between the sexes in this regard, by for me, a guy, it’s very unattractive to notice that a girl badly wants ‘a spouse’. Instead, I tend to feel attracted to girls who have a life of their own, and appear to be fine with it. I can imagine it being the same the other way around, maybe even more strongly so.

Do I want to stay single all my life? God, no! But I’m not making it the single quest that looms over my life, and dictates much of what I do. I make sure to enjoy this particular kind of freedom while it lasts.

Too many women / men are needy and desperate, so they feel they need a man / woman to make them feel whole.

Quote: “You’re not ready to meet your future spouse until you’re ready to be single for the rest of your life.”

My first thought is “bullox”. After carefully thinking why this is my first thought, I am able to say this:

IF you are ready to be single for the rest of your life, why would you even consider the possibility of a marriage? This entire statement simply does not make sense.

To understand a marriage, one first has to understand that marriage is a partnership between two individuals. A partnership based on sharing resources, respect, love, communication and individuality, entered by both partners by choice and with the commitment to make it last and work out the problems that will occur during their journey together.

So in a way, it is maybe correct to asume that one is not ready for such a relation, unless one is able to take care of him- or herself.

However, this situation of individuality changes, the moment the commitment to marriage is made. You no longer are alone and like it or not, you will have to keep your partner in mind. So, there goes your individuality (at least in part).

My suggestion would be more accurate to say: You’re not ready to meet your future spouse until you’re able to take care of yourself, emotionaly, financialy and economicaly, for the rest of your life.

In other words, unless you are completely self-sufficient (and yes, that includes doing your own dishes, making your own meals, cleaning your own floors and fullfilling your own emotional needs for happyness and love), chances marriage partners are co-dependent are high. This is NOT an ideal situation.

Just my two cents.

“ready to be single” doesn’t mean I’d choose it. It merely means I could accept it if it came to pass.

The scariest people I know are the people who cannot stand the idea of still being single when they’re old. They’re deathly afraid of it. Why? Because they perceive there is something missing from their lives or themselves. If something is missing, another person is not going to fill it in. I know people who say they’d rather be married to the wrong person than single when they’re 60. Yikes.

I’m not saying I’m looking forward to being single when I’m old, I’d prefer not to be. But I can think of many other things that scare me a helluva lot more than that.