The First Thing the Next President of the United States Must Do

Apologize to the world.

Here’s what needs to be said; I leave it up to the speech writers to say it more eloquently:

Dear world, we of the United States of America would like to apologize for you for the last eight years. The man that just left office was a travesty. Despite the fact that we elected him, we do not support his actions on a number of fronts. Even most who at one point supported him are now sorry they did so, and have learned from their mistakes. I am here to say is that things, as of today, will be changing. I intend to restore the good name of this country in this world — to restore the respect that has been damaged during recent years. I intend to do this not by simply making claims or promises, but by illustrating through action that we are in fact sincere in our contrition. So, as of today, we are ending the mistake known as the Guantanamo Bay detention center. We are also investigating and discontinuing all overseas secret interrogation and prison operations. In addition, we are making plans to withdrawl our troops from Iraq as well as a number of other remote locations. It is important that this troop redeployment not be interpreted as weakness by either our friends or our enemies. Our failure to achieve our goal in Iraq was not due to the failure of the United States Military, but rather due to the lack of a solid, moral reason for being there in the first place. America is peerless when justly fighting to defend itself or its allies, as seen in WWII, but even a military as great as ours cannot win when we are not fighting for the right reasons. We shall not make that mistake again. Our new vision, and our new promise to you, is that we will return to a message of inclusiveness and friendship throughout the world. We intend to return to the paradigm of leading by example, and by competing through innovation and economic development rather than war. We know it will take time to heal the damage that has been done, and we accept that. But rest assured that we realize our country has gone astray, and that we are taking immediate action to regain your trust and respect. Your partner and friend, - The United States of America