The Backwardness of American Marriage Culture

By Daniel Miessler on April 6th, 2008: Tagged as America | Culture | Relationships

divorce_culture

I find it highly peculiar that most Americans find it perfectly normal for a 25-year-old woman to be getting divorced for the first or second time, but treat the same woman like a leper if she isn’t yet married. This is especially true in the highly religious South.

  1. Divorced multiple times? Eh, that’s the way it works these days…
  2. 25 and not yet married? What the hell is wrong with you?

Relationships by marriage don’t work, just as morality by fear of God doesn’t. It’s an artificial union — one far more likely to break than the real thing. Why is it that atheists have lower divorce rates and are virtually unaccounted for in prison?

Internal vs. External

I think it’s because when you’re moral just because it’s “right”, it means much more than when you’re moral because someone told you to be. And it’s the same for marriage. When you’re in a relationship just because you want to be, rather than because, “that’s what you’re supposed to do”, you tend to have higher quality relationships.

And that’s what you see in the south. Everyone is married with children because, “that’s what you’re supposed to do.” It amazes me to see virtually no single people over 25 in the south. If you do see one you know one of two things:

  1. They’re not from the South.
  2. They’re between marriages.

And it’s not just the south; it’s anywhere that’s highly conservative/religious. Yet those are the same areas with the highest divorce rates, domestic violence, teen pregnancy, and all sorts of other ailments. 1 Doesn’t that make sense, though? It’s artificial morality enforced by a diseased culture, and that’s why it’s failing.

References

1 Here, here, here, and here.

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View Comments

  • I agree with you Daniel.Yes I think our culture is backward when its all about marriage.Marriage & divorce are so complicated matters.People are just escaping from relationships.They dont even try to compromise with their partner.

  • @Michael


    I'm not sure what you find so offensive. Let me try and restate.


    <ol>
    <li>Religion -- especially done poorly -- teaches morality from the wrong angle, urging an external influence rather than an internal.</li>
    <li>This often causes poor behavior in adult life when it comes to life's vices because the morality is not natural or sustained. It tends to fluctuate widely.</li>
    <li>This is visible in crime statistics and other moral indicators such as teen pregnancy, with "Republican", i.e. religious, states doing worse than democratic states.</li>
    </ol>

    I've seen many data sets on this, and I've included some in my post. I"m promoting one theory for why those data sets exist. The theory isn't my own, and I think it's more a matter of obviousness than controversy for many who are familiar with the data and the cultures involved.


    But again, that's open for debate. Perhaps you think the data is wrong? Or perhaps you feel there's another explanation for the data? Either way, let's discuss it. But "bigoted" I don't think fits well here. You're intolerant of wife beating and child porn lifestyles, right? Well, I'm intolerant of those things too, and of teen pregnancy and crime. So I guess we're both bigots.


    I have MANY friends (and family members) that are very rational and moral people while being religious and I don't rail against their lifestyles. It's a particular incarnation of religion (unfortunately the predominant one, however) that I'm addressing here. And if the data shows a correlation in the data, and I'm proposing a theory that points to causation, I don't see how that should be cause for offense.


    Let's talk about it.


    Cheers,


    -Daniel

  • Daniel,


    Wow. That is almost all I can get out about this post. Blaming false morality, belief in God, and living in the South for more divorces, teen pregnancy, etc. Jumping from your sources to your conclusion is a logic leap of immense proportions that deserves congratulations.


    Really, Daniel. I think that is the harshest and most bigoted statement I have heard you make. Come on man.


    Michael

  • Raffytaffy

    The problem with today's marriage is the cat. Too many women have a cat, sometimes of the Looongcat variety. The typical succubus attention-deficit-dimsel entitlement princess ( aka American female ) will marry as many times as possible, since divorce will allow this creature to cash-out on the husband. Many American females have cashed-out multiple times by the age of 25. This has become the norm. I wonder what will happen when men stop marrying these leeches. Perhaps they will pass legislation allowing female-<a href="http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f212/rafbak/180px-Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.jpg"
    marriage or allowing a women to marry herself. Perhaps with mandatory sperm donation by the man, with mandatory child and alimony payments. I guess not even a Camel Toe will help these women marry 10 times.

  • I do not like that many females feel that they MUST get married by 25. It seems like a very ridiculous stigma to place upon yourself, or to place upon someone.

  • You see thats the trouble today, we have so many women who now think they are Mens Equals. We need to stop all the handouts and hand ups that woman have recieved and treat them as true equals. They will vanish in a flash and return to the kitchen.

  • dale

    What's with all the hate on the south? You're really coming off as a bigot lately. Even here in California, you're more likely to get divorced than stay married. I keep hearing people call that first a "starter" marriage. It's sad.

  • Dittohd

    Talking as though everyone north of the Mason-Dixon line acts one way and everyone south of it acts another is no better than discussing a subject implying that all men are the same and all women the same. I personally question the number of southern and northern states the author has truly experienced and the number of personal situations within each of those states he has surveyed in order to come to a reasonably accurate opinion of the situation. I also question his statement concerning Atheists being underrepresented in our jails, considering the way so many media hacks twist and even make up statistics on a wholesale basis these days whenever it furthers their agenda. A long time ago, I heard that it was Jewish people who are the most underrepresented in our jails.


    As a result of all this, I would question everything the author said and every conclusion he came to as totally biased or just not true based on biased and faulty information supporting his conclusions.


    Concerning Obbap's comment, I also wouldn't go anywhere near an American woman as relationship material, not because I think all American women are born the same but because they are all brought up under basically the same set of government rules of engagement and are perpetually brainwashed, along with their parents, by the same predominantly liberal media to be afraid of, disrespect, and not give a damn about us men as though we are just an annoyance to take advantage of if it's not possible to do away with all of us completely.

  • Obbop

    The happiest longest-lasting marriages I observed were a master/slave style in which the female accepted the collar willingly and always obeyed Master and did all she could to please him.


    In turn, as long as Slave fulfilled her role properly, Master always ensured Slave was treated well and Master always considered Slave's wants, needs and desires when making decisions regarding the pair.


    Sadly, the brainwashed indoctrinated-by-our-culture-at-large will instantly resort to knee-jerk rhetoric to lambast the Master/Slave relationship. Oh well, the mass of humanity functions with simple minds devoid of mental training. Mere simpletons.


    I have never engaged in the Master/Slave combo, opting instead to just shun the AMerican female; emotion-laden creatures generally devoid of rational logical thinking abilites. Generally, it is likely best for the American male to shun America's spoiled self-centered "Princesses" and select, instead, a female from outside the USA where the culture doesn't convince females that their mere existence is worthy of adulation and their only needed contribution to a male is to spread their thighs just often enough to keep their "meal ticket" around to serve their wants, needs and desires.

  • I mostly agree with you, iMav, but I think there's a difference in morality based on measuring happiness and suffering on earth and a morality based on a holy text written by an invisible, all-knowing, omnipotent God who will kill you if you disobey.


    One is fear and fantasy-based, the other is based on improving life for humans.

  • "I think it’s because when you’re moral just because it’s “right”, it means much more..."


    But, without some sort of moral compass to determine what is "right" and "wrong", it's all subjective. Which, I believe, is one of the biggest problems with society today. ("I gotta do what is right for ME.")


    Being told what is right is not the same as believing it. If you believe it, you are being "moral just because it's right"...and that is regardless of whether you are an atheist, Christian, etc. Pretending to be something you are not only goes so far...and that is what you are seeing in society today.

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